Guinness World Records awards Mossad for ‘Most Vasectomies at One Time’ surpassing 2024 Democratic Convention 
Trump is literally trying to steal our democracy by not dying in his assassination attempts 
BREAKING: Sean ‘P Diddy’ Combs has tragically committed suicide in Manhattan jail tomorrow 
BREAKING: DOJ charges 2nd would-be Trump assassin with jaywalking and mostly-peacefully protesting without a permit 
Trump politely asks CIA snipers to not murder him while he is golfing, thanks 
Around the World
Guinness World Records awards Mossad for ‘Most Vasectomies at One Time’ surpassing 2024 Democratic Convention
In a ceremony filled with pomp and, ironically, very little circumstance, Guinness World Records awarded the Israeli Mossad the coveted title for "Most Vasectomies Completed...
If you don’t want your pets stolen and eaten by immigrants, you may be a racist homophobe bigot
There’s a new form of bigotry taking root in this country—one that’s just as insidious as anything we’ve seen before. It’s subtle, it’s hidden in...
BREAKING: DOJ warns Russia ‘do not interfere with our interference of our elections’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a rare moment of transparency, Attorney General Merrick Garland issued a stern warning to Russia to "not interfere with our interference...
Refusing migrants is a ‘grave sin’ says Pope Francis from inside his walled fortress
VATICAN CITY – Speaking from the safety of the Vatican's towering walls, Pope Francis delivered a powerful sermon this week, declaring that refusing migrants is...
BREAKING: Following declining poll numbers for Kamala Harris, the WHO declares a global emergency over the monkeypox virus
NEW YORK—Following a sharp decline in Vice President Kamala Harris’s poll numbers, the World Health Organization (WHO) has declared a global emergency over the monkeypox...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
BREAKING: Democrats seek to expel Rep. Anna Paulina Luna from Congress for being an actual woman
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats across the nation have expressed outrage after a video surfaced of Rep. Anna Paulina Luna (R-FL) modeling a "Make America Great...
Not to be outdone by Trump’s sneakers, Kamala Harris releases line of golden knee pads
In a bold move to outshine her political rival, former Vice President Kamala Harris has unveiled her latest venture: a line of luxurious, gold-plated knee...
Biden pledges $300 million to rebuild the ‘sagging infrastructure’ of Maxine Waters’ face
President* Joe Biden has pledged $300 million to rebuild the "sagging infrastructure" of Congresswoman Maxine Waters' face, in an effort to address the urgent need...
First pile of feces who identifies as a beautiful woman is crowned Miss America
Chet, the first human turd who identified as a beautiful woman, has been crowned Miss America, in a groundbreaking and historic moment for the pageant...
Inflation forces annual Miss Alabama Competition & State Hot Dog Eating Contest to combine shows this year
President* Biden's inflationary policies have forced the annual Miss Alabama Competition and State Hot Dog Eating Contest to combine shows this year, in an effort...
Business News
Democrats disappointed to discover they can’t fill up their grocery carts or gas tanks with ‘joy’
Washington, D.C. – Millions of Democrats across the nation have been left disappointed and, in some cases, outright bewildered, upon discovering that they cannot fill...
BREAKING: Biden/Harris stop taking credit for economy as stock market crashes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning reversal of their usual rhetoric, President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris have decided to stop taking credit...
Crowdstrike CEO: ‘Internet shutdown was successful test run for the real thing coming in November’
AUSTIN—Crowdstrike CEO Shawn Henry has announced that the recent nationwide internet shutdown, which affected voting machines and 911 service, was a successful test run for...
John Deere changes its name to John Queere
In a shocking and unexpected turn of events, John Deere, the iconic American agricultural machinery manufacturer, has officially changed its name to John Queere, in...
Creators of Pride Month launch Extreme Avarice Month in July
US—Working off the success of the wildly popular June Pride Month, creators have launched the sequel, "Extreme Avarice Month" in July. "We were so successful...
Lego releases new Gaza Pride set
This revolutionary new toy is designed to promote cultural sensitivity and to teach children about the importance of acceptance and tolerance, and has been hailed...
Science Grid
POLL: What should Biden rename monkeypox to make it more inclusive?
Following a bigoted response to monkeypox with some people pointing out that homosexuals constitute 98% of the cases, the Biden administration is looking for a...
BREAKING: Following declining poll numbers for Kamala Harris, the WHO declares a global emergency over the monkeypox virus
NEW YORK—Following a sharp decline in Vice President Kamala Harris’s poll numbers, the World Health Organization (WHO) has declared a global emergency over the monkeypox...
First biological cheetah who identifies as a man set to take gold for Lichtenstein at the Paris Olympics
LICHTENSTEIN—The citizens of this small alpine country in the middle of Europe are abuzz as they are set to take the gold medal in the...
BREAKING: Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND— In an unprecedented press conference held at the World Institute of Theoretical Absurdities, leading scientists issued a dire warning: at the current rate...
EARTH DAY: Biden says it’s environmentally responsible to kill your girlfriend and compost her remains remains
WASHINGTON, DC—In a bizarre and unsettling Earth Day address, President Joe Biden urged Americans to take drastic action to reduce their carbon footprint: kill their...
Featured Articles
AOC hosts ‘Cooking with Communism’, shows you how to cook your pets
The new smash hit social video show "Cooking with Communism" stars democratic socialist Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who takes questions while she whips up communist classics...
BREAKING: NFL Suspends Chiefs’ Kicker for Not Meeting League Minimum for Domestic Violence
The NFL has officially suspended Kansas City Chiefs' kicker, Harrison Butker, for his failure to meet the league minimum of domestic violence incidents. The league's...
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop driving into New York City because of a corrupt court...
Elon Musk buys Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to fix their marriage
Elon Musk announced his most recent multi-billion dollar purchases: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. “I invested in the West-Kardashian marriage because I believe it is...
Health Grid
POLL: What should Biden rename monkeypox to make it more inclusive?
Following a bigoted response to monkeypox with some people pointing out that homosexuals constitute 98% of the cases, the Biden administration is looking for a...
BREAKING: Monkeypox outbreak traced back to several ‘White Dudes For Harris’ rallies
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking development, health officials have traced the recent surge in monkeypox cases to a series of rallies hosted by the...
BREAKING: Following declining poll numbers for Kamala Harris, the WHO declares a global emergency over the monkeypox virus
NEW YORK—Following a sharp decline in Vice President Kamala Harris’s poll numbers, the World Health Organization (WHO) has declared a global emergency over the monkeypox...
Harris Unveils New Campaign Slogan: “No Tax On Men’s Tampons”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold and unexpected move, Vice President Kamala Harris has unveiled her campaign's new slogan: "No Tax On Men's Tampons." The...
Transwomen complain about uniforms crushing their balls during dominating performance
PARIS—The Chinese track and field team that recently dominated the high jump at the 2024 Paris Olympics weren't all smiles—there were some grimaces. At least...
BREAKING: Biden credits the COVID vaccine for him only getting a mild case of dementia
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising turn of events, President Joe Biden held a press conference today to express his gratitude for the COVID-19 vaccine,...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
FACT CHECK: Yes, Tim Walz did receive a medal of valor as the first person to land on the moon in 1969
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking revelation that has left historians scrambling to revise their textbooks, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz has been confirmed as the...
Crowdstrike CEO: ‘Internet shutdown was successful test run for the real thing coming in November’
AUSTIN—Crowdstrike CEO Shawn Henry has announced that the recent nationwide internet shutdown, which affected voting machines and 911 service, was a successful test run for...
Mark Zuckerberg unveils new upgraded skin that looks more human-like
Palo Alto, CA—In a bold move to boost investor confidence, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has debuted his latest innovation: a cutting-edge, human-like skin upgrade, complete...
BREAKING: Boeing jets come out as trans-safe: they are not safe but they ‘identify as safe’
SEATTLE—In a groundbreaking turn of events, Boeing has announced that their planes are now officially trans-safe. This comes as a shock to many, as the...
US workers ‘finally able to get some work done’ while Facebook was offline for 2 hours today
US—American workers experienced a surge in productivity not seen since the invention of the coffee break, as Facebook mysteriously went offline for a record-breaking 2...
LOOK at these stunningly real pictures of polar bears Google Gemini AI created
Just look at the beauty and realism! So real in their natural habitat of inventing medicines:
